Godly Confrontation (1 Timothy 5:1-2)

Big Idea: Effective Christian confrontation should be gentle, respectful, and loving, aiming for restoration and spiritual growth based on each individual's role in the church.

The church is described in the New Testament using quite a few metaphors. It's called a holy nation, a kingdom, a priesthood. Jesus called it a vine. Paul described the church as a temple founded on the apostles' teachings, with Jesus Christ as its cornerstone. It's called a body, an assembly, and a flock, but for many, the most compelling image of the church is undeniably that of a family.

"Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household" (Ephesians 2:19). "Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers" (Galatians 6:10).

One of the most neglected areas of church family life is this very necessary thing called confrontation. Every family experiences confrontation, but I've noticed that some churches avoid it altogether. In the church, as in the family, disobedience must be dealt with. That's a mark not of harshness, but of true love. It's loving someone enough that you want God's best for them, and a healthy church is one in which godly confrontation takes place.

Since starting at Richview, I’ve brought up the topic of confrontation several times and received mixed feedback, not all of it positive. There are a couple of reasons for this. The first is that nobody likes confrontation. If you like confrontation, you've got something wrong with you. No one in this room enjoys confronting others, and no one likes being confronted either.

Whenever I go into a Christian bookstore, I'm amazed by the number of new Bibles. Have you heard of the Confronter's Bible? Take heart, timid Christian. Next time you're persuaded to confront a backslider but don't know where to begin, help is available. The new Confronter's Bible eliminates the need for vague references or hints about someone’s mistakes.

The Confronter's Bible uses a color-coded system to highlight key themes: rebuking (passion pink), sins to avoid (stop-sign red), and straying from the path (off-white), similar to the Eschatology Bible and the Social Justice Bible which use specific colors for their themes. If the person you are confronting doesn't respond to your kind words, you might consider these alternatives: pulling their hair (Nehemiah 13:25), burning their fields (Judges 15:5), or calling out the she-bears (2 Kings 2:24). What more can be said about the Confronter's Bible, except: Backsliders, beware!

Tonight we're going to talk about confrontation. And the first point I'd like to make is this: confrontation is difficult. And the more insecure you are, the more difficult it can be. Some people avoid confrontation so much that they prefer to let a situation continue rather than face it.

Why is it so difficult to confront? Six reasons: a fear of being disliked, a fear of making things worse, a fear of rejection, Pharisaism—a fear of being legalistic or of thinking you can't confront because you don't have your act together, the fact that we're not used to sharing problems, and we don't know how to confront. I've seen situations in churches that make me frustrated, wondering, "Doesn't anyone have the courage to address this?"

Second point: confrontation is sometimes necessary. Not always, and maybe not even often, but confrontation is sometimes necessary. When Paul wrote this letter, Timothy was facing the following problems:

• Some in the church had abandoned truth and godliness (1:5-6; 2:8);
• Others had shipwrecked their faith (1:19);
• There was conflict in the church over the role of gender (2:9-15);
• Some of the members aspiring to leadership were not qualified (3:1-13; 5:19-22);
• Others were teaching false doctrines (4:1-5; 6:3-5);
• Some older widows were living impure lives (5:6-7), as were some of the younger ones (5:1-13).

Part of a leader's role in the church is to confront sin. Matthew 18:15-18 spells out in detail how to confront sin. Paul provides a general guideline for confrontations, which he then applies to four groups in the church. But first let's look at the overarching guideline: "Do not rebuke...but exhort..." (1 Timothy 5:1).

And here we have two words with a very strong difference. The first word, rebuke, literally means "to strike at." It's a harsh term. A similar idea in the New Testament is found in 1 Timothy 3:3, which states that elders should not be violent. Here I think Paul is using the word to describe verbal violence. When confronting, don't hammer with harsh words. Instead, appeal or exhort. The word is much gentler. It can mean "to encourage, admonish, entreat, or appeal." The idea is appealing with the goal of strengthening the other person. It comes from the same word that used to describe the Holy Spirit as paraklete—one who comes alongside.

"Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:1-2). Confrontation within the church is not to be done, therefore, by violently attacking each other. Rather, sin must be lovingly confronted, and people strengthened and encouraged toward holy living. The goal is, as one person says, "restorative, redemptive, remedial confrontation... done with an attitude of gentleness."

And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will. (2 Timothy 2:24-26)

Eugene Habecker writes:

As Christians, we confront not to embarrass, belittle, tear down, or humiliate. We confront because of our commitment to help others reach their potential, including full-fledged stature in Christ. Paul had to say some difficult things to the readers of his letters, but it was because of his unwavering bottom-line commitment to people.

Confronting Different Kinds of People

Let's apply this to four groups of people. Isn't it likely that the church is sometimes going to experience tension that is age- and gender-related? How is one person ever going to cross the age and gender barriers from time to time to minister effectively? Let's look at each of the four groups quickly.

First, older men

"Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father" (1 Timothy 5:1). As Timothy deals with sinning older men, he is to treat them with the same respect and deference that he would show his own father. Our society has lost something, and that is respect for those who are older. "Rise in the presence of the aged, show respect for the elderly and revere your God. I am the LORD" (Leviticus 19:32). "The glory of young men is their strength, gray hair the splendor of the old" (Proverbs 20:29).

Confronting older individuals may sometimes be necessary, but it should always be done with great respect. How do you show them this respect? A few things – you can help me think of some as well. Don't save up an entire list and dump it on them one day. Don't ambush them. Check your attitude – make sure that you're not approaching them with anger, but rather with love. Spend time thinking about how to talk to them.

Abraham Lincoln said, "When I'm getting ready to reason with a man, I spend one-third of my time thinking about myself and what I am going to say—and two-thirds thinking about him and what he is going to say." Be honest – describe the problem openly. Tell them the effect of the situation – the damage that it is causing. Tell them why it is important to you, and if at all possible, affirm the person. Let them communicate back to you.

Second, younger men.

"Treat younger men as brothers" (1 Timothy 5:1). The key words here are "as brothers." This means that there is to be no air of superiority. There is no hierarchy between brothers. Show humility and love to a younger person when you rebuke them; don't look down on them at all. Can you see how following Paul's instructions confers tremendous respect on the person being confronted? Fifteen years ago, a man confronted a younger person, saying, "I have the Sword of the Lord," while holding up his Bible, "and tonight I'm going to slay you with it." How much better to treat those who are younger as our peers—not to lean on our authority, but to stress our common bond in Christ.

Third, older women.

"...older women as mothers..." (1 Timothy 5:2). Two women were harming the cause of Christ in Philippi. Paul the Apostle had the authority to sternly rebuke them. What did he do? With all the grace and gentleness he could muster, he wrote:

Therefore, my brothers, you whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, that is how you should stand firm in the Lord, dear friends! I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to agree with each other in the Lord. Yes, and I ask you, loyal yokefellow, help these women who have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life. (Philippians 4:1-3)

Yes, he rebuked them, but at the same time he included them beside the list of people he loved. He noted their service to him. And when a younger man has to rebuke an older woman, treat her with the respect you would offer your own mother.

Finally, younger women.

The last group, and potentially the most dangerous for Timothy, is the younger women. "...and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity" (1 Timothy 5:2). "Nothing so easily makes or breaks a young pastor as his conduct with women. Thoughtlessness or indiscretion, as well as outright immorality, violate his calling to lead the flock with purity" (John MacArthur). Paul tells Timothy to treat younger women like sisters, emphasizing that he should avoid lustful feelings toward them. Sexual sin within the church is nothing less than spiritual incest. Great care must be taken in meeting with younger women.

Let's summarize.

Godly leaders will have to confront sin in the church—there's no doubt about that. In fact, if you're not up to confronting sin, you shouldn't be a leader of the church—it's as easy as that. But confrontation is never easy. Done properly, it involves prayer, introspection, a dependence upon God, as well as humility, love, and gentleness. If you confront someone older, you owe them the same respect you would give a parent. If you confront someone younger, it's wrong to look down on them – treat them as a peer. If you confront someone of the opposite sex, protect yourself against impurity in your mind and in reality. Treat others as equals in God's family—like brothers, sisters, or parents—rather than relying on your authority. And pray that the confrontation, done in a God-honoring way, will lead to restoration.